june 24? No, june 25

i’m confused with the date and time….

last night we went out to dance for my friend’s birthday and it was extremely fun.  all of the music was great and there was lots of jumping up and down and singing along.  they played ALL STAR.

Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed

She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an “L” on her forehead….

yesss soooo good.  i remember once me and katie sang “all star” after a dinner with our two families at the train station diner (that has burned down since).  that was fun.

we made it until 530AM.  we’re getting closer and closer to 7AM.  but its still a challenge.  everyone wanted to leave at 5AM, but i forced them to stay until 530AM so we could make a new record.  a few of us slept over at a friends house that was near by and we chatted until around 1030AM!  so then i FINALLY went to sleep and slept until after 4PM!  whaaat.  i’m setting new records all over the place.  now i am confused with time and place and day.  and i am very sleepy.

yesterday afternoon we saw a really good argentinian movie: el secreto de sus ojos.  at the beginning there is a 3 second clip of a rape.  and it made me so sick.  it made me so sad.  and also so scared.  according to the US dept of justice every 2 minutes a woman is raped in the USA.

the man i met the other day at the conversation exchange —> i forgot to say that the first sentence he said was “hi my name is alberto” and the second was “my parents did.”  i realized he was trying to say “my parents died.”  so i said “no, it’s my parents DIED” in a very matter of fact voice.  he tried repeating it, but said it wrong again so i said again “died.”  it was so sad to me.  why was that the 2nd thing he wanted to say to a complete stranger?  what did it feel like for him to keep repeating the sentence trying to pronounce “dead” properly?  i asked him how long ago and he said his father died in 2007 and his mother died in 1983.  (or rather he said “1883” and i corrected him.)  at least that’s what i heard, but maybe he was saying the numbers wrong who knows.  if he is in his 30s then his mother must have died when he was very young.  i wanted to say “my father died too” but instead i said “that is very sad.  i’m sorry.”  and then asked what he did for work.

congo and bongo bear

stuffed animal dinosaurs

music, especially the beatles, the beach boys, the lime and the coconut, and the locomotion

soccer

baseball

monday night football

1010wins

soccer jerseys

bright orange

math, especially algebra

organic chemistry

neuroscience

books, especially those by Philip Roth

monty python, especially the short skits

Help! (the beatles movie)

the sorpranos

couches

large beds

bath robes

slippers

good night kisses

good morning “i love you”s

the new york times

bike rides

the beach

orange soda

barnegat

columbia

the core

answering machines

my small hands and feet

that my left eye is worse than my right

my knee injury

health insurance companies

anxiety

saddness

tears

feeling all alone

biting my nails

having dry skin

hearing “youre my best buddy”

spanish

italy

crater lake

cancun

dolphins

barbecues

sundays

spilled milk

broccoli

carrots

apples

bananas

vitamins

jolly ranchers

bagels

shrimp

salmon

my long hair

the sidewalk

new york city

nyack

great neck

the subway

nj transit

swiss army knives

sun glasses

LL Bean

walkie talkies

my year off

crossing the street

holding hands

saying goodnight

i took a minute to think of what would happen if i disappeared from the world all the things that reminded me of my father.  there are so many more things, but i think the list is long enough.

someone sent me an article from nytimes that needed a login and password.  his still works!  i hope it keeps working for a long time.

the other day i was updating school information and i saw he was listed as the emergency contact.  i couldn’t change it.  the number is our house number so theyll reach who they need to reach anyway.

yesterday we were talking and something simple someone said (i cant remember the exact word but it was a pretty common, neutral word) reminded me of dad and the next thing i heard my friend say was “why do you look so troubled?”  i didnt realize it but mid-conversation my mind had pulled away and i was staring at the floor off into my own thoughts.

when i met vilma martinez the other day she asked about “jack’s son,” my father.  again i didnt know what to say.  i waited.  i said “he died.”  she said sorry and asked if it was sudden.  i didnt know what to say.  i waited. i said “yes.”  she said she was sorry.  she said “he was young.”  i said “yes, 58.”  she said she was sorry and she waited.  she wanted to know.  but i didn’t know how to say it.  i wonder if the people i can tell that my father died, but i cant tell them how then go to google to search his name.  thats what i would to, but maybe they don’t.  200 years from now, his descendants will search “josiah tanzer greenberg” and find his story.  sometimes i want write it on my forehead so people can see it. or shout it out loud so people can know.

“my dad is dead!” 

“my dad killed himself!” 

“depression kills.” 

but i never do, because i’m pretty sure that would freak everyone out and then no one would talk to me.

i am amazed that so many people in the world keep living though pieces of them have died.  they live as half people or with holes in their bodies.  with heavy memories and dreams of yesterday.  how do they keep living after theyve lost a child from an illness or when a fire killed their parents and their siblings?  do they feel that all of their limbs are missing?  do they try to grow new limbs?  since its impossible to regenerate human limbs, maybe they try to replace them with robotic prosthetics.  but those dont function as well as the original and they must always feel separate from the body itself.  and then it must feel like they dont own their own body.