chao!

july 16

im leaving in about ten minutes.  i’m not sure how much internet i will have, but if i come across a computer i will write a few lines.

thursday i gave my presentation and handed in my paper.  i was so extremely nervous for the presentation.  i knew i was being silly to get so nervous and that being nervous would only make things worse but i couldnt logic myself out of it.  i feel that each time i get nervous it makes it easier the next time for me to get nervous, to reach that state of nervousness faster and more intensely.  as if each time i am reinforcing those pathways and strengthening the goddamn nervous connections.  once, last year, i was so nervous that my extremities started to tingle and ache.  and ever since it has been easy to reach such a state of anxiety even if the reason for being anxious isn’t so great.  this time i felt so full of stress hormones that even after my presentation i didnt feel better.  in fact, i felt a lot worse, as if i was crashing — my body had been full of something and then that something completely disappeared and now i felt worse because my body couldnt function without that something or had been so exhausted by its presence that after it could barely sustain itself.  after the presentation, i sat down and began to feel incredibly dizzy and ill.  when i looked up i felt like my head was swaying inside itself and i was sure if i stood up i would lose consciousness. i have never fainted so i almost wanted to stand up so i could see what it felt like.  but i also didnt want to fall and hit my head on the ground and ruin the rest of the day’s activities/presentations.

i dont really understand why i got so nervous. 

friday, july 15, i saw HARRY POTTER.  one reason i want to have children is so i can read someone harry potter at bed time.  after harry potter we had a program fiesta/asado to say goodbye.  then that night was the last night of going out/dancing with all the students in the progam.  it was a lot of fun. 

today i packed and now i’m leaving.  and its almost time to come home.  but i’d rather not go back to reality.

the other day i lay down to take a nap and as i was getting pulled into my dream i heard my dad call out my name.  just “jessica” in a slightly serious voice.  a voice that said “where are you?” but also “i need you” and also “i have to tell you something.”