Sincroniza el reloj/ comienza el vuelo

this is a line from a poem from a handwritten book that crazy art people wrote and gave a friend of mine in salta.

i’m about to leave and get into a taxi that will drive me to the airport with two of my friends and then get on a 16 hour flight that stops two hours in Brazil and then will drop me off in the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.  i would like to say i am excited, but i am not.

i’m sorry. i feel terrible for not being excited. sorry to all people waiting for me in america. i’m sorry!  i’m sorry!

last week i started to make a list of things i like about america so i could get excited:

turkey

hummus

making dumplings

24hr diners

peanut butter

nutella

yummy breakfast

cheddar cheese

when i read it out loud at the dinner table to my friends when we were staying in valle fertil, they pointed out to me that i had only written down food.

i have since added “wrestling with lily.”

it’s not that i’m not excited to see friends and family again, it’s just that i feel like there is a giant wave thats rushing towards me and going to knock me down as soon as i step off the plane.  when i step off the plane i will step back into the real world with real dead people and real people that are dying and real people that will leave me and real fights and real tragedies and real problems.  and real problems that cant be fixed.

here i have an alternate life with no problems and no tragedies.  but maybe that’s because i havent lived here long enough.

just last week i was wishing for the week to be over so i could get on this airplane and now my stomach hurts to think about it. 

i went through notes i wrote on little scraps of paper and typed up what i wrote so i can throw them out.  would you like to know some text message slang?

XQ — por que

TKM — te quiero mucho

i have so much left to write about what i saw in the hospital and in Uruguay and on my 2 week backpacking trip.  i will surely write lots on the airplane.  i was given two books by friends: catch 22 and franny and zoe.  i’m in the middle of both.  maybe i will finish those on the airplane too.

but most likely i will just sleep.

or look out of the window

or silently cry in the dark.